Mum without a manual

OK, here’s the thing, you know when you become a Mum you quickly realise that there ain’t no manual and the startling realisation hits you that you are quite simply winging it on your own. Well I’ve recently had one of those “where the hell is the manual when you need it” moments.

Be a Mum and Live to Tell the Tale

My son Spencer is 16 going on 17.  He’s a good kid (despite my lack of a manual) and although he’s had his moments, on the whole he’s not the scary unmanageable teenager parents often dread.  He studies, granted with encouragement (note the positive word I used there) he plays piano and still has music lessons, he volunteers at a local charity shop and he has a job in a cafe. He likes to cook, does his own washing and ironing and despite lengthy periods of disappearing into his room he will still come and sit with us and watch TV of an evening.  Best of all he will pop his head out of the door when I come home and give me a kiss and ask about my day.  All in all he’s showing potential of shaping up to being one of the good guys.

Anyway back to the manual bit.  Well we recently made a change in the house which means that I have given half of my study space to share it with Spencer.  The psychology behind this is that he has a place to study away from his bedroom and the usual distractions.  So far it’s working pretty well.  When we’re both there studying I notice that conversations often start and I get the…..

Mum?

Yep

What do you think about……….?

I’ll let you fill in the gaps, I’ve probably heard most of them.

Anyhow the latest ones, and my reason for writing this post, are that he wants to grow his hair AND get his ear pierced.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  All teenagers are searching for their identity, it’s normal. We all did it.  Hell I’ve been searching for my identity for years.  Oh yeah I’ve been through it all – influenced by the glossy images in magazines I’ve probably spent years trying to look like someone else and it was only in my 40′s that I gave myself permission to give up with my quest and just be me.  If the genes are anything to go by Spencer’s probably got a way to go.

OK if I’m honest I like his hair short and I would rather he didn’t pierce his ears BUT I can understand where he’s coming from.

So (minus the manual) what did I say.  Well digging deep into my heart I reminded myself that I am blessed to have a son that isn’t disappearing out of the door on a Friday evening with a crate of beer under his arm and a packet of cigarettes in his pocket.  I know that he still accepts that ‘what we say goes’ even although at times he doesn’t agree with said advice/restrictions.  Sure he might push the boundaries a little bit but wouldn’t think to just step over them with blatant disregard.  So I took a deep breath and asked him to tell me about it. Which he did.

Having heard what he had to say I told him that as he’s 16 and I don’t really feel I have a big say in what he does with his hair.  I did say that I preferred his hair short and tidy, but understand and accept that he wants to grow it. What we agreed is that if he is going to grow it then he needs to ensure that regular visits to the hairdresser keep it in check and on track. He accepted this acknowledging that he needs to be smart for work etc.

Now the ear-piercing.  Well in reality there are things that he’s lets slip of late (and he agreed with this). Having a piercing means that you have to take care of it otherwise you’re dealing with nasty infections.  What we agreed is that if he can show the commitment to get some of the things he’s lets slip back on track then we can talk about getting a piercing.

So folks that’s where we got to without a manual.  I know having your ear pierced isn’t a bit deal – or is it?  I think society has moved on a bit and having your ear pierced isn’t viewed as negatively as it used to be (although not by everyone).  The bottom line that I’m hanging on to is that at least with a piercing you can take it out if the occasion calls for it.

So I admit to feeling like I was floundering in the dark a bit.  Am I being too strict, am I not being strict enough?  Hell I don’t know.

If anyone out there has THE manual – could you look it up for me and get back to me on this one.